


Always Have My Heart

by zapziamlove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Mentions Of Larry - Freeform, omg the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-02-11 07:03:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2058543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zapziamlove/pseuds/zapziamlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It should be Zayn standing there at the alter...but its not.</p><p>The one where its Liam's wedding day and Zayn is dying inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Have My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this long ago when I first started writing :-) So don't laugh. Feedback is welcome!
> 
> A song that roughly fits this fic - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v58cMvcGLKs It immediately popped in my head as I was posting this.

 Today is the day. It's the worst day in Zayn’s life so far. He doesn’t think it can get any worse than today honestly. Becau today the boy he’s in love with is getting married. He’s getting married to a pretty girl named Danielle. Danielle makes Liam happy. Matter of fact he didn’t think he’d seen Liam happier than when he was with her. Who was he to mess that up? He wanted to be happy for his best friend. He wanted to be able to get along with his best friends’ girlfriend and soon to be wife. But it’s funny because he couldn’t. He couldn’t because the thing was that Liam was the one who couldn’t make him feel any happier. Liam was the one who gave him the feeling of floating on cloud nine. Cliché yes, but if you ever felt the things that Liam made Zayn feel then cliché would be the last thing on anyone’s mind.

When Harry had broken the news to Zayn about the marriage it felt like his whole world had collapsed. He didn’t take it lightly. He spiraled into a depression that none of the boys had ever seen before. Nobody could figure out what the problem was until he came back to Louis and Harry’s flat one night in a drunken state. His face was wet from tears. His fists were red and was layered with open scars that  were seeping blood. It was a state that neither of them had ever seen the Bradford boy in ever before. The only thing they could do was rush over to the boy who had collapsed on their floor against the door. “Zayn! What happened?!” “Zayn talk to us!” It was frightening to see their best friend like this. Zayn looked up into both of their eyes for a second. Harry and Louis could see the hurt and pain that had been caused just by looking into his tainted dark brown eyes. Eyes that were now red and swollen from hours of crying. Zayn looked back down and barely whispered

“Why?” You could hear how broken he was just through his voice alone. “Why? Please tell me why?” he said in between sobs. Harry and Louis were still looking in disbelief and confusion as they tried to console the boy who was in dire need of help on their floor. Louis quickly got up to go get a cold towel to wipe the blood that was starting to cover his hand. “Why doesn’t he love me back?” he asked as he looked back up into Harry’s eyes. Harry should have known. He knew Zayn loved Liam. He knew that Zayn and Liam had a special relationship much like what he and Louis had. He just didn’t understand how he missed this coming. He noticed during this latest tour that Zayn seemed dejected. He was off at rehearsals and was isolating himself from the group more and more. “Why Harry?” he said once more but all Harry could do was pull Zayn into his embrace and wrap his arms as tight as he could around him. He had let Zayn cry on his shoulder before but never like this. He had never seen him so broken inside and out. The one person Zayn loved more than anything. The one person he would die for had hurt him. Liam had hurt him to his heart leaving a scar that would never heal.

As Louis returned he stopped as he saw what was happening. He walked back over slowly and kneeled back down to join in on the hug. Zayn was lucky to have such good friends that he could call his brothers. But that was then and this is now. The morning of the wedding and Zayn is still in bed. He didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to see anybody. He just wanted to lay there until it was time. Until it was time for him to go. He heard someone coming through the front door of his flat. He knew it was Harry because he was the only one who had a key to get in. Liam use to have one but ever since him and Zayn last fought he never came around the boy much unless it was for rehearsals, interviews, and performing. Zayn had called Danielle a bitch and Liam called Zayn a crazy, jealous, asshole. Things had been this way for a month now. But now they were on a break so they didn’t have to interact with one another. Zayn wouldn’t have it any other way. It was for the best. Yeah he still loved Liam. He still loved Liam a lot. But it was best they didn’t see one another anymore because Zayn had decided he would cut all ties. He didn’t want this anymore. One Direction was great. Being in the band was amazing. But now it was the cause of his sadness. Everyday watching the one you loved love someone else had become too much. He needed to go find himself again. Maybe he would become a new person. The old person he was would always be with Liam. Liam would always have that person’s heart. Harry knocked on his room door.

“Zayn?” Harry opened the door slowly to peak in through the crack. Surprisingly Zayn was sitting on the side of the bed with his back to the door looking through the window. The morning sun was shining on him as he looked out. Harry could tell he wasn’t looking at anything in particular but that the boy was somewhere deep in thought. “Zayn?” Harry called again pulling the dark haired boy from those thoughts.

“Hey Harry” he said with an uninterested tone.

“How are you?” It was an innocent question. It was also necessary because Harry hadn’t seen Zayn for about two days. The last time he seen the boy was when Zayn was getting shit faced drunk at a bar that him and all the boys were at. Well all of them except Liam whom was busy with Danielle with marriage stuff.

“I’m fine Harry. How many times do I have to tell you I don’t need you checking in on me?” Harry was now walking over to the bed to sit by him. He looked out the window for a second and could see the sun on its way up in the sky. It was a pretty sight but it seemed like but dark clouds loomed over Zayns head.. Harry sat down and looked down at Zayn’s arm.

“You know, I would believe that if every time I was away this didn’t happen.” Harry reached and held Zayn’s hand up. There was a bruise present that wasn't there the last time Harry saw him. Zayn jerked his hand down from Harry. He took  a deep sigh. "Zayn..."

“Harry look I’m fine and after today I’ll be much better okay.”

“So you won’t be at the wedding?”  Harry asked the obvious question. Zayn looked at him with a look that said duh you fucking idiot. “He’s your best friend Zayn. Even though things have been…”

“He broke my heart you know”, Zayn interrupted him. “He broke my heart and stepped on it. Do you know how that felt? Do you know what he put me through? I loved him! I loved that motherfucking twat.” Harry was looking down now. He knew how he felt to a certain extent. He did have to deal with Louis and Eleanor from time to time. But Louis promised Harry that he would never hurt him. He kept that promise. He put an arm around Zayn.

“Zayn I know it’s tough. But I can see that you still love him.” Of course Zayn still loved Liam. One of the reasons he didn’t want to see Liam is because of his adorable puppy dog face. It made Zayn weak. Especially when he seen those brown chocolate eyes. Zayn would always feel himself falling again. Like it was the first time they met. Zayn just rolled his eyes and shook his head. “He still loves you too Zayn believe it or not.” Zayn’s head shot up and looked at Harry. Liam didn’t love him. He didn’t love him like he thought he did. Liam chose Danielle. He chose that bitch over the love that they shared. No. He didn’t love him at all.

“Stop Harry. It doesn’t matter anymore okay. I’m over it.”

“Clearly”, Harry said as he gestured towards Zayn’s hand again. “Zayn you should go to the…”

“I’m leaving.” Zayn cut Harry off.

“Leaving? What do you mean leaving?” Zayn took another deep breath. “I’m going back to Bradford. I’m going…home.” He turned to look at Harry who was just staring at him trying to figure out what he meant.

“So you’re going back home to visit? Zayn, Liam needs your…”

“I’m going to stay…for good.” Harry’s eyes grew wider. He didn’t think the boy was trying to say what he now thought he was.

“So…you’re leaving the band?” Zayn just nodded his head. He had planned to just leave without anyone noticing at first. But Harry had showed up this morning and well he could trust Harry with this information. He had nothing to lose. Liam had taken everything he had already. The joy and happiness of being there was all sucked away when Liam broke his heart. “You can’t just leave us…what about me, Louis and Niall? What about the concerts? The fans? Zayn…what about Liam?”

“What about it Harry?! You guys don’t need me! You’re all amazing! I just can’t do this anymore okay…” Zayn’s voice went quiet again. “I can’t wake up every morning and pretend to be okay with everything. I won’t do this to myself anymore. Liam has this hold over me that I just can’t shake and I need to… I just need time to find myself. I need to go spend time with my family.”

“I think you’re being a bit selfish Zayn.” Harry didn’t mean to sound like he didn’t understand because he did. But Zayn leaving the band would have an effect on all of them. Zayn was tearing up now. Harry could see the water building up in the corner of his eyes. “Zayn are you just going to give this all up? You’re just going to throw all of this away?” Harry was starting to tear up now to.

“You don’t get it Harry”, Zayn said as the tears started to stream down his face. “I’m not happy here anymore okay. I’m not happy. I’m miserable” Harry put a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay Zayn…”

“No! I’m sorry I’m not strong enough. I love you guys so much but I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t.” Harry pulled Zayn into a hug. This was what made Harry and Zayn the closest of friends within the group. They both understood one another. Harry was always there for Zayn and Zayn always there for Harry. Harry had accepted the fact now that Zayn would be leaving One Direction. No matter how much he wanted to change that he couldn’t. He only wanted Zayn to be happy and if Zayn wasn’t happy there anymore then…it was for the best. Harry was about to get ready to leave Zayn’s flat now. Zayn had told him to tell the rest of the boys after he was gone the next day. He would be catching a train tonight to head for Bradford. He stopped Harry before he was heading towards the door.

“Harry hold on”, he said as he dug around in his drawer. “Give this to Liam. I didn’t know if I was going to give it to him. But I guess it doesn’t matter now. Just…tell him I wish him the best.” Harry nodded and hugged Zayn one last time as he took the letter from his hand. Harry turned towards the door and walked but before exiting he turned back to look at Zayn. Zayn nodded as if to tell Harry to go on. Harry just nodded back as the tears suddenly came back to his eyes. He then turned and shut the door leaving Zayn who was now to start packing his belongings.

//

“So he’s not coming?” Niall asked Harry as the wedding would be beginning in about an hour. Harry just shook his head. Zayn was probably headed to the train station by now. But he wouldn’t tell Louis or Niall. He promised Zayn he wouldn’t. He needed to find Liam and give him the letter. He took it out of the inside of his pocket and looked at it. It was wrapped in an envelope and had nothing written on it. “What’s that you go there mate?” Niall asked curiously.

“It’s nothing”, Harry said as he put it back into his pocket. Niall shrugged and then headed towards a table that had some food laid out for guest. Harry looked around and saw Louis getting some punch. He was alone right now and this was his chance. He left the main hall of the building where the ceremony would take place. He passed several people with cameras and equipment that would be taking pictures to release later on that night after everything was over. He walked until he arrived at the room Liam would be in. He was nervous for some reason. He took a deep breath before knocking at the door and entering.

“Hey there”, Liam said with a smile. He was all dressed up looking into a mirror fixing his collar. He turned to walk towards Harry and reached out for a hug. Harry smiled.

“Well are you ready to finally tie the knot?” Harry asked with a chuckle.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Liam said with a smile. He gestured towards the chairs and they both went to take a seat. “Everyone here?”

“Yep…everyone pretty much made it…well…” Harry looked down.

“Something wrong?” Liam inquired now looking at Harry with his eyebrows pulled together.

“Well…Zayn’s not here.” Harry looked back up at Liam who was just staring at him. Liam then shook his head.

“That boy…it’s okay I mean I wasn’t expecting him to show up.  Liam took a deep breath and looked down as if he was in deep thought.

“Look”, Harry said making Liam look up again “I just came to give you this.” He took the letter out and handed it to Liam. “Zayn says he wishes you the best.” Liam took the envelope and looked up at Harry. Harry shrugged and gave a half smile.

“I’ll see you out there mate”, Harry said as he turned to walk towards the door. Liam nodded as Harry left the room and he heard the door close shut leaving him alone. He stared at the letter for a few minutes contemplating what it might say. For all he knew it could be a big fuck you. He only had about thirty minutes before he had to be out there in the main hall where the wedding would take place. He started to open it and he pulled it out. He started to read.

_Liam,_

_If you are reading this it’s because as you probably have noticed I am not at your wedding. It was hard for me to write that line you know? You know why? Because I wanted to be there. I wanted to be there so bad. But not as your best man. Not as a friend. Liam I don’t know what to say right now. I mean what else can I say? I loved you. I loved you so much. I knew it from the first time we met that I wanted to be with you. Do you remember the first time we met? It was like yesterday for me. We were at Mcdonalds. You were ordering chicken nuggets. I know because I was sort of stalking you. You asked for a toy from the kids meal even though you weren’t ordering one. You wanted the Woody from toy story they were giving out. I thought that was cute. Then you turned around and looked at me. Liam when you looked at me and I saw your eyes I thought I was going to die of how beautiful they were. Then you spoke to me. You smiled and said “how’s it going?” It was funny because I fumbled my words. If you couldn’t tell I was as nervous as fuck. We had just met and you had me making a fool of myself. It all happened so fast you know? Me and you meeting. Then we get put into the same band. It was one of the best days of my life. Not just because we were moving on in the competition, but because I knew I would get to see you more. I was having all these feeling about you wondering if you ever felt the same way. I cried over it you know. I cried over you because of the fear that you would never feel the same way. I barely even knew you. I was head over heels. Liam you want to know another one of the best days of my life. It was when you returned those feelings. It was that day we kissed. We always said it was an accident. But we both know that wasn’t true. How the hell do you accidentally kiss? It was your fault anyways Liam. You wanted to wrestle me while I was trying to draw. You picked me up off the bed and slammed me down. You jumped on top of me and tried to tickle me but I was able to flip you over and sat on top of you. It was your fault for looking into my eyes like that. Your eyes made my face gravitate to yours. I think you closed the gap first. It was you don’t deny it. Honestly it was perfect for me. It meant a lot to me. You mean a lot to me. Fast forward and we just got so popular. Our relationship we had formed was in jeopardy. I don’t know what happened but they told us to cool it down. Then Danielle came into the picture. I knew you and her were friends but I never knew you guys were that close. I really didn’t care to find out much about her. I just cared about you. I still ask myself where I went wrong. What made you choose her? Liam I love you. I thought you loved me just as much. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I’m writing this to tell you what I couldn’t tell you face to face anymore. Liam you were my everything. You said I was your everything. You said Danielle was just a friend. You lied you adorable bastard. You lied to me. Why? Do you remember when I said I would love you forever? Do you remember that? It’s true Liam. I will always love you. Even as I write this wiping away tears from the pain I’m in I still love you. If I never see you again just remember that okay. I will always love you. Okay? Can you do that for me? I just wish you a happy life. I hope you find all the happiness in the world. As for me I’ll be going to try and find my happiness again. This letter is all over the place isn’t it? Well forgive me I am an emotional wreck right now. It’s your fault anyways you fucking adorable twat. Liam, just know that I tried to pour my heart out into this letter. Yes my heart. Because I am giving it to you. If I never see you again at least you will always have my heart. Because it belongs to you._

_Bye Liam, I love you._

Liam took a really deep sigh as he read the last contents of the letter. There was a knock on the door and a man came in to tell Liam it was time.

//

The ceremony was going great. Harry, Niall, and Louis were standing next to Liam as the bride , Danielle was now due to walk down the aisle. The music started to play and as it did everyone stood to look towards the back of the room. A few seconds after, out came Danielle in a beautiful white dress slowly walking. Her long white dress dragging behind her as she made her way to the front to take her spot next to Liam. Harry was still thinking about Zayn. He wondered if the boy had already boarded the train. He was really happy for Liam but he couldn’t help but feel a little bad at how he left Zayn. How could he even do that? Harry looked at Danielle. She looks beautiful. The pearls on her wrist were sparkling. Liam bought those for her when they were over in America on tour. Danielle’s hair looked amazing also. Brown and curly like always. Harry tried to look at Liam’s face but he couldn’t see it from the position he was in. But he did see the boy let go of Danielle’s hand and wipe something from his eyes. Liam was crying. Liam never really cried in front of people much. Harry could tell he was really happy. He then wondered what the note said.  He tuned in to what the preacher was saying and they must have just finished saying their vows. The preacher must be about to ask if anyone objects. Harry looked around. There was nobody he could see that would do any such thing. Zayn wasn’t there so there was no chance of it happening. Even if he felt that he wanted to do it for Zayn he could never do that to Liam. He turned back and listened to the preacher. “If there is anyone that thinks that Liam James Payne and Danielle Claire Peazer shall not be joined together in holy matrimony speak now or forever hold your peace.”

//

Zayn was sitting on a bench in the train station. His train should be arriving now any minute. He had his bags packed sitting beside him as he had his knees pulled to his chest his head resting on them. He was thinking about what he would do when he would get back to Bradford. Maybe see some old friends and hang with his family. He needed to rest from all the drama he had been through. The past two years of his life had been so crazy he still didn’t understand it. He then thought about the band. The boys. He would miss them. Niall who had that humongous appetite. He would miss that blonde haired leprechaun. Louis. He would miss Louis and the way he made him laugh. The fashion sense Louis had was also always enjoyable. Harry. He started to tear up at the thought of Harry. The curly haired boy had been his rock through everything he’d been through. He would miss playing with Harry’s curls. He would miss Harry checking on him almost every morning. He would remember every waking moment he’s spent with those boys. The thoughts sent a tear rolling down his cheek finally. He looked at his watch.  The wedding should be over by now.  _Wedding_. That sent the thought of Liam rushing back to him. Liam. What would he miss about the boy he loved the most?  Zayn took a deep breath and put his head own into his arms.  _Where was his fucking train?_

“You know”, the voice scared Zayn as he jumped and looked up to where the voice came from, “the toy they were giving away wasn’t a Woody. It was Mr. Potato Head.” Zayn was speechless as the person he saw walked up closer to him. It was almost as if he was star struck.

“Li…Liam what…what are you doing here?” Liam sat down by him on the bench. He looked down as the smile he was trying to maintain fell from his face. He was still in his tuxedo he wore to the wedding.

“I…I came to apologize…I guess…I was too stupid before I don’t know.” Liam looked back up and met Zayn’s eyes. “I’m sorry Zayn. I truly am sorry. If I could say it a million times I would. Harry gave me your letter.” Liam pulled out the letter and opened it. He looked back at Zayn. “This was...a lot to take in you know?” Liam reached out his hand that was holding the letter. “Here…take it back. I won’t be needing it.” Zayn took the letter from his hands and looked back up at him.

“What are you doing? Where is Danielle?” Liam looked down again.

“Danielle is not what I’m concerned about right now…I’m stopping you from leaving. Zayn this isn’t what I want. I don’t want you to leave because of me.”

“So you think you can just apologize and I’ll come back. I’m not going to live in you and Danielle’s…”

“There is no me and Danielle anymore.” Zayn’s head shot up again and he looked at Liam.

“What?”

“Zayn…I love you…I love you more than anything in this world.”

“Then why did you choose her?”

“Because I was scared…I was scared that what we had would be torn apart by the world. I was scared of what it would do to the band. I was just...not ready to take it on. I didn’t want us to have to go through that. I love you Zayn. I never stopped loving you.”

“Did you love her?” Zayn asked. He just wanted to know.

“Yes…” Zayn’s head started to sink down but Liam stopped it and lifted his chin with his finger and looked him directly in the eyes, “but I loved you more. I loved you more the whole time…Zayn you mean everything to me. This whole time my heart was with you. I hate that it took me all this time and a letter to see that…” A train started to come now. They see the light down the tunnel approaching fast. Liam and Zayn stood there looking into one another’s eyes for a few more moments. Liam started again as he took Zayn’s hand. “Please come back with me…let me fix this. Let me put us back together again.” The train was stopping now and the doors opened to let people off so that those that were boarding could get on. Zayn started to back up pulling Liam towards the train and he stopped where their hands were in the middle of the door. Zayn on the train. Liam just outside the door. Zayn took his free hand and gave the letter back to Liam.

“Here…” Liam took the paper and looked into Zayn’s eyes that were starting to tear up. “I love you…and while I’m gone you keep my heart with you until I get back. You’ll always have it no matter how far apart we are” Liam was now tearing up also as Zayn’s tears had already started falling.

“I love you” Liam said. Zayn smiled through his tears.

“I love you”, he said as the door started to close. “I love you forever” he said again as their hands were separated. They remained looking at each other until the train started moving again. Liam looked down at the letter as the train went out of site into the tunnel. He smiled to himself while looking at it. Zayn's heart was his and now Liam knew his heart belonged to Zayn. Always 

**Author's Note:**

> What even was that ahaha hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
